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This is the Humor section. What, do you need us to list what's here? Well, here you go, then:
- Quotes of the Month
- Scientific Studies
- Unidentified Flying Humor
Quotes of the Month
Humorous quotations from around FRMS.
"I've had multiple people ask me what the news article was about."-the discussion leader in a Davis Social Studies class during a discussion about a news article involving multiple participants that apparently did not complete their homework
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"I am a pirate with a wooden leg."-several members of Mr. G's sixth period Friday class, apparently having identity crises
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"When my dad gets home, he cuts the house."-a sentence previously in Spanish that was thankfully fictional, spoken during one of the 8th grade Spanish classes
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Scientific Studies
This month's scientific study has led RMS scientists to believe that knives are, in fact, really sharp, a trait which until recently was associated with thing such as scissors, swords, and pins.
"We didn't anticipate sharpness of this magnitude" -
Above: A knife, which may be sharp.
"We were struck by how suddenly and quickly our feet and hands got cut when exposed to knives, and decided to investigate," said the chief author of the study. "In addition to the shiny, metallic, and cool-looking qualities of knives, we found that snow also had potential for owchiness."
Though Dr. Versteeg was quick to add that more detailed analysis is needed, he said the findings were revolutionary in the field of shiny things which make owchies.
Though Dr. Versteeg was quick to add that more detailed analysis is needed, he said the findings were revolutionary in the field of shiny things which make owchies.
"Contrary to current wisdom, it now seems that, in fact, knives are sharp and pointy, and very much so," Dr. Versteeg said. "In areas like kitchens and woodshops, there are commonly knives sitting around, and I believe that the general public would be shocked to know that in addition to being shiny and cool-looking, these knives can make big owchies.
Knives have been present in many situations involving owchies, and the research group added that it "was only a matter of time before knives were found to be sharp."
Said Dr. Versteeg: "Scientists have always taken it for granted that people commonly had accidental injuries in the presence of knives, but it was not until this shocking study that knives and injuries were found to be linked."
Some scientists are already speculating about the sharpness. Dr. Heimenshnitzel, a researcher at the Idaho National Laboratory, speculated that "[the sharpness] may be the result of many things, ranging from the previous theory [that little demons were living on the edge of the knife and bit you] to the now-popular theory that knives are, in fact, really freakin' sharp."
Other researchers doubted the validity of the experiment. Said Dr. Hugh Jeego, the head researcher at the French National Laboratory, "If this were true, then why wouldn't I have discovered it, rather than some amateurs in, of all places, New Hampshire? Come on." Other scientists echoed his thoughts, such as Dr. Smith at the Institute for Sciencey Things in Munich, with his claim that the theory "had no basis. How the [censored] can you test the sharpness of a knife? Eat it?"
Dr. Versteeg responded that the group used common materials which were susceptible to cutting, to which Dr. Smith responded "You don't even have [censored] schnitzel in America! How can they do research without schnitzel? I'll tell you: they can't. The whole thing's a [censored] fraud. I [censored] dare you. I'll tell you what: Take some [censored] materials and some [censored] knives and go [censored] measure it yourself..."
Other respondents were less agitated by the matter, such as Dr. Hakuaa'alaaa of the Institute for General Research Center in Peaceland, who confirmed that "[this study] has absolutely no implications for me, seeing as our total knife count in Peaceland for the past 5 trillion years consisted of one confused-looking tourist with a nailclipper who was promptly set upon by hundreds of agitated citizens whom were against weapons." He went on to suggest that knives were "for losers".
The research group involved in the study said that the results of its' next work is "almost guaranteed" to be as groundbreaking as their revolutionary research on the sharpness of knives.
Knives have been present in many situations involving owchies, and the research group added that it "was only a matter of time before knives were found to be sharp."
Said Dr. Versteeg: "Scientists have always taken it for granted that people commonly had accidental injuries in the presence of knives, but it was not until this shocking study that knives and injuries were found to be linked."
Some scientists are already speculating about the sharpness. Dr. Heimenshnitzel, a researcher at the Idaho National Laboratory, speculated that "[the sharpness] may be the result of many things, ranging from the previous theory [that little demons were living on the edge of the knife and bit you] to the now-popular theory that knives are, in fact, really freakin' sharp."
Other researchers doubted the validity of the experiment. Said Dr. Hugh Jeego, the head researcher at the French National Laboratory, "If this were true, then why wouldn't I have discovered it, rather than some amateurs in, of all places, New Hampshire? Come on." Other scientists echoed his thoughts, such as Dr. Smith at the Institute for Sciencey Things in Munich, with his claim that the theory "had no basis. How the [censored] can you test the sharpness of a knife? Eat it?"
Dr. Versteeg responded that the group used common materials which were susceptible to cutting, to which Dr. Smith responded "You don't even have [censored] schnitzel in America! How can they do research without schnitzel? I'll tell you: they can't. The whole thing's a [censored] fraud. I [censored] dare you. I'll tell you what: Take some [censored] materials and some [censored] knives and go [censored] measure it yourself..."
Other respondents were less agitated by the matter, such as Dr. Hakuaa'alaaa of the Institute for General Research Center in Peaceland, who confirmed that "[this study] has absolutely no implications for me, seeing as our total knife count in Peaceland for the past 5 trillion years consisted of one confused-looking tourist with a nailclipper who was promptly set upon by hundreds of agitated citizens whom were against weapons." He went on to suggest that knives were "for losers".
The research group involved in the study said that the results of its' next work is "almost guaranteed" to be as groundbreaking as their revolutionary research on the sharpness of knives.
Unidentified Flying Humor: Maine tourists more positive about themselves than visitors to other states
Augusta, ME- According to a recent study done by the Maine State Visitors Department, those that travel to Maine are more likely to feel good about themselves. 52% of those that visited the state between the years 2000 and 2010 came back from their trip with either an "I (heart) ME" sticker or an "I (heart) ME" t-shirt. While some have questioned whether Maine visitors were more selfish than others, State Visitors Department member Barbara Johnson insists that that is not the case. "People that visit our great state are happy with themselves that they took some time away from their normal routines to come here. If you ask anyone here whether Maine is the best, most rewarding place in the country, most would say yes. After all, we have known that here for many, many years."
Others have raised the concern that Maine visitors return with a bizarre picture of themselves as some sort of Northern New England wildlife. 43% of those shirts and bumper stickers also carried a picture of an animal like a lobster, moose,or bear. "People are simply not bears, moose, or lobsters. We should boycott traveling to Maine because I do not want to return thinking I am a bear. If Maine tourists seriously think of 'ME' as being a moose, traveling to the state is an extremely dangerous thing to do." says National Representive for the We do not want to be Maine Wildlife Organisation, Russel Cleveland.
At a press conference celebrating the findings, Barbara Johnson finished with "In closing, Maine is the best state to go to for your personal good. While visitors to Massachusetts and Pennslyvania come back loving their parents more, with I love MA and I love PA stickers, feeling proud of yourself is a very important feeling, and that is why you should come to Maine. Because it simply makes sense to go someplace you will feel proud of going. And when we get to I love IA and I love FL, those don't even make sense. So why not come to Maine, and love yourself even more?"
By Kevin Hybels
Others have raised the concern that Maine visitors return with a bizarre picture of themselves as some sort of Northern New England wildlife. 43% of those shirts and bumper stickers also carried a picture of an animal like a lobster, moose,or bear. "People are simply not bears, moose, or lobsters. We should boycott traveling to Maine because I do not want to return thinking I am a bear. If Maine tourists seriously think of 'ME' as being a moose, traveling to the state is an extremely dangerous thing to do." says National Representive for the We do not want to be Maine Wildlife Organisation, Russel Cleveland.
At a press conference celebrating the findings, Barbara Johnson finished with "In closing, Maine is the best state to go to for your personal good. While visitors to Massachusetts and Pennslyvania come back loving their parents more, with I love MA and I love PA stickers, feeling proud of yourself is a very important feeling, and that is why you should come to Maine. Because it simply makes sense to go someplace you will feel proud of going. And when we get to I love IA and I love FL, those don't even make sense. So why not come to Maine, and love yourself even more?"
By Kevin Hybels