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This is the Humor section. What, do you need us to list what's here? Well, here you go, then:
- Quotes of the Month
- Scientific Studies
Quotes of the Month
Humorous quotations from around FRMS.
"I bite my thumb at you, sir!"-multiple guild members during the Renaissance festival, quoting Shakespeare
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"I have the ears of a bat that has the ears of a robot bat, so no matter how softly you're talking young lady, I can heeear you."-Mr. Eastman, hearing people talking when they shouldn't be
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"The secret to being a teacher is screaming loudly in a Scottish accent."-Mr. Eastman's advice for teachers; he said this after exactly following his advice
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Scientific Studies
This month's scientific study has led RMS scientists to believe that fish, in fact, need to be in water, a trait which until recently was associated with things such as sharks and whales.
"We didn't anticipate them to need water this badly"- Owen Versteeg, head researcher
Above: A fish, which may be not-dead because it's in water
"We were struck by how fish seemed to keep dying as soon as we took them out of the water and decided to investigate," said Dr. Owen Versteeg, chief author of the study. "In addition to the slimy, smelly, and cool-looking qualities of fish, we found that fish needed to be in water."
Though Dr. Versteeg was quick to add that more detailed analysis is needed, he said the findings were revolutionary in the field of fish transportation, which has recently been baffled by the problem of having all their fish dead when transported in a truck.
Though Dr. Versteeg was quick to add that more detailed analysis is needed, he said the findings were revolutionary in the field of fish transportation, which has recently been baffled by the problem of having all their fish dead when transported in a truck.
"Contrary to current wisdom, it now seems that, in fact, fish need water, and very much so," Dr. Versteeg said. "In areas like kitchens and mantlepieces, there are commonly dead fish sitting around, and I believe that the general public would be shocked to know that if they simply put those fish in water they might not have died."
Fish have been present in many situations involving wetness, and the research group added that it "was only a matter of time before fish were found to need water."
Said Dr. Versteeg: "Scientists have always taken it for granted that fish were mostly dead when not in the presence of water, but it was not until this shocking study that fish were found to need water."
Some scientists are already speculating about the need for water. Dr. Heimenshnitzel, a researcher at the Idaho National Laboratory, speculated that "[the need for water] may be the result of many things, ranging from the now-common theory that the fish can't cope with a land environment to the fringe theory that fish need the presence of the water gods to prevent sudden death by constipation."
Other researchers doubted the validity of the experiment. Said Dr. Hugh Jeego, the head researcher at the French National Laboratory, "If this were true, then why wouldn't I have discovered it, rather than some amateurs in, of all places, New Hampshire? Come on." Other scientists echoed his thoughts, such as Dr. Smith at the Institute for Sciencey Things in Munich, with his claim that the theory "had no basis. How the [censored] can anything live in water? Scuba gear?"
Dr. Versteeg responded that the fishes were thought to have gills, to which Dr. Smith responded "You don't even have [censored] schnitzel in America! How can they do research without schnitzel? I'll tell you: they can't. The whole thing's a [censored] fraud. I [censored] dare you. I'll tell you what: Take some [censored] materials and some [censored] fishes and go [censored] measure it yourself..."
Other respondents were less agitated by the matter, such as Dr. Hakuaa'alaaa of the Institute for General Research Center in Kenya, who confirmed that "[this study] has absolutely no implications for me, seeing as our total fish count in Kenyafor the past 5 trillion years consisted of one gross-looking fish-thingy in some tourist's sandwich." He went on to suggest that fishes were "for losers".
The research group involved in the study said that the results of its' next work is "almost guaranteed" to be as groundbreaking as their revolutionary research on the need of fishes to be in an environment with water.
By Owen Versteeg
Fish have been present in many situations involving wetness, and the research group added that it "was only a matter of time before fish were found to need water."
Said Dr. Versteeg: "Scientists have always taken it for granted that fish were mostly dead when not in the presence of water, but it was not until this shocking study that fish were found to need water."
Some scientists are already speculating about the need for water. Dr. Heimenshnitzel, a researcher at the Idaho National Laboratory, speculated that "[the need for water] may be the result of many things, ranging from the now-common theory that the fish can't cope with a land environment to the fringe theory that fish need the presence of the water gods to prevent sudden death by constipation."
Other researchers doubted the validity of the experiment. Said Dr. Hugh Jeego, the head researcher at the French National Laboratory, "If this were true, then why wouldn't I have discovered it, rather than some amateurs in, of all places, New Hampshire? Come on." Other scientists echoed his thoughts, such as Dr. Smith at the Institute for Sciencey Things in Munich, with his claim that the theory "had no basis. How the [censored] can anything live in water? Scuba gear?"
Dr. Versteeg responded that the fishes were thought to have gills, to which Dr. Smith responded "You don't even have [censored] schnitzel in America! How can they do research without schnitzel? I'll tell you: they can't. The whole thing's a [censored] fraud. I [censored] dare you. I'll tell you what: Take some [censored] materials and some [censored] fishes and go [censored] measure it yourself..."
Other respondents were less agitated by the matter, such as Dr. Hakuaa'alaaa of the Institute for General Research Center in Kenya, who confirmed that "[this study] has absolutely no implications for me, seeing as our total fish count in Kenyafor the past 5 trillion years consisted of one gross-looking fish-thingy in some tourist's sandwich." He went on to suggest that fishes were "for losers".
The research group involved in the study said that the results of its' next work is "almost guaranteed" to be as groundbreaking as their revolutionary research on the need of fishes to be in an environment with water.
By Owen Versteeg